Dating after a breakup
The things that come after a breakup are not always easy…..
Many of us have experienced the end of a relationship at some point. It could have been a mutual decision, a peaceful separation, a chaotic parting, or even the modern phenomenon of 'ghosting, which is an unexpected breakup without confrontation. Each carries its own emotional, psychological, financial, spiritual, and physical weight. Therefore, it's essential to recognize and respect the feelings, transformations, shifts, and necessary growth that come with them.
I’m confident either experience wasn’t easy, I speak from personal experiences, not shared stories. I have lived, matured, and healed through and after the breakups. Here's the truth: dating after a breakup is tricky, and it's nothing like the filtered pictures on social media or the passive-aggressive posts about just moving on; our hearts and minds must practice letting go of what was lost. For myself, I experienced and had to loosen guilt, shame, embarrassment, self-doubt, anger, and comparison. Then, I could begin to set realistic expectations about dating again. Beforehand, the breakups made it impossible for anyone to get to know me because I tucked the real me away after being hurt and disappointed several times. It was a conversation that happened this week that brought me some insight and awareness about some things that I was still carrying. I was aware of the past underlining emotions toward my exes, who appeared to have moved on much faster than I did. Honestly, I wasn’t aware of how I judged their decisions or healing process, but it's not for me to judge theirs but to take accountability for my own.
After a breakup, there is usually a period of denial and disbelief that it happened again. Most of us don’t enter a relationship with the intent for it to fail, and if we do, that’s a different blog for another day. Yes, we all know that we must take some time after a breakup and heal first, then move on. But the reality is, sometimes we don’t because there's this underlying fear of being alone again; we sometimes don’t know who we are without that person.
We question how and why it had to happen. What role did we both play in the breakup? Sometimes, we are super upset at the other person because we believe we gave them the best version of ourselves, or sometimes we are relieved that it ended. We become stuck focusing on the past, thinking about where the shift happened in the relationship, when things changed, and why we did not address the shift. This requires us to show ourselves and the other person some empathy and compassion; perhaps where we were mentally, emotionally, and physically, we didn’t have the energy, mental agility, willingness, or even ability to recognize it. I mean, hindsight is 20/20; the significant part is that giving attention and awareness to the shift now allows us to understand how to address it in the future.
The emotional rollercoaster always seems to be rolling at a high speed; it’s like all gas and no brakes. The guilt, shame, embarrassment, self-doubt, and anger are often overwhelming and somewhat debilitating. It requires some work to sit with these emotions and a willingness to move through them, not avoid them, because that will keep us stuck and attached to the unhealthy version of ourselves that manifested in those past relationships. So, sit with it, process it, and don’t fear what’s on the other side of the emotions.
Sometimes, there’s the comparison of where we are versus where we thought we would be. If our exes have moved on, we may tend to judge ourselves against the new partner: don’t do it, don’t do it, it’s pointless! We have no idea how the two compare or if they compare at all! Comparison is an attack against our mindset and future. Acknowledge and accept that both of you must and will move on, then get intentional about dating and moving on. Don’t take your ex into your next!
We must learn to express empathy and compassion for ourselves and our exes because the breakup may have been painful for both; let’s be honest: no one was perfect in the relationship; at least, I speak for myself. I wasn't when I look back on it; I'm sure I was loving from a place of unresolved relational trauma. The truth is, I haven’t always known how to manage a healthy relationship, but now that I do, I date differently to include how I date myself.
We must be willing to allow our next to see and get to know us; after you feel emotionally safe with your next partner, be honest with them about your past, present, and future expectations that make you who you are—allowing them to see the real you, not the masked you. We must stop thinking everything is a red flag; there's a difference between red flags and discernment; maybe a part of you is unhealed and being triggered. Now, it is essential to have discernment and ask God to expose yours and the other person's heart and intentions. Trust God’s voice!
Just date!! They say the right one always comes along when you least expect it, so expect God to position you for your next and not your ex; they are most likely not the same.
With Love,
Qwanquita T. Wright
CEO, Focusing on Self
